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The Most Sensible Ways to Date a Southern Belle

I wasgoed born ter the south. I live ter the south and will diegene te the south. This is only a puny part of the memories I share.

Talked to a youthfull man a few weeks ago

who wasgoed te his early twenties and he wasgoed very excited to tell mij, spil he and I gedistilleerd our coffee, about the possibility of dating a efectivo, true-blue, bona fine southern belle. And the boy wasgoed serious spil the economy is bad. Truly serious. So serious about his fascination with dating a chick from the deep south that Roseanne Barr could have walked through the restaurant where wij were sitting and he would have hopped hier for a date. Te my many years of living, I’ve never met anyone with such a zeal for southern belles.

After wij finished our coffee

and long talk about southern damsels, he eventually got into his 2011 Camry and drove away. Very likely never see him again ter this life. But I have to admit. I admire this boy’s drive and determination to take one of our southern “lovelies” out for an evening of dancing, dining and some hand-holding the old-fashioned way. And I sincerely hope that one day soon, he actually meets and gets a date with his “wish dame,” a southern-born, southern-bred, southern belle.

When I returned huis that night

this boy’s wide-eyed power about southern belles got mij to thinking. Or maybe it wasgoed the six cups of black coffee. Either way, I sat down and composed this easy-to-use “mitt book,” if you will, about “How to Successfully Score a Date with a Southern Belle,” and if this stud who wasgoed so crazy in-love with our women ter the south, is reading this hub, the following segments of trusty advice is just for YOU:

Now, son, you have your heart set on dating a southern belle. Right? That’s what I thought you said. Okay. Before you set out to attempt to get a date with one of our “flowers of beauty,” the southern belle, there are some things you need to know.

  1. The southern belle is not like an promedio lady. She is a veelzijdig bijzonder. Not to be trifled with. Run-over. Liedje to. Or manhandled te any way. She is a lady down to the bone.
  2. The southern belle comes from a long, storied background of manners, respect, and fidelity to family and tradition. She can be a no non-sense chick.
  3. The southern belle is not a breedgeschouderd of livestock to be bought or sold by unmannered guys with tobacco juice soaked into their faces at a public auction behind some hardware store te Jackson, Mississippi.
  4. The southern belle is not a “dumb platinum-blonde,” black-haired or crimson head. She is today’s CEO, lawyer, head of industry, politics and power. Do not be fooled by that girlish smile and soft voice that coos, “thank you, tormentor,” when shown some respect.
  5. The southern belle has a mind. A brain and can think for herself. Do not be an idiot and attempt to impress hier with “your” brand of worldly-experience. She has already bot there. Done that. And will be easily-bored if you are not “on your spel.”
  6. The southern belle is not a lady you can take for granted. She has this uncanny, acute womanish sense that tells hier you are just attempting to use hier for pleasure and then skip town. Yes, she’s seen drains like you before.

When approaching a southern belle, DO NOT

  1. Blurt out, “Hey, sugar! How’s ‘moerbout a date tonight?” She will only glance at you merienda. Walk away while laughing AT you. Not WITH you.
  2. “Act” like you need hier to tell you directions to “Harry’s Sausage Emporium,” or the onberispelijk time. What are you, a shallow excuse for a man?
  3. Attempt to “sugar hier up” with your rented car, your one silk suit and your teeth that the dentist has just cleaned that morning. How can you, or any other man, impress a damsel whose heritage dates back to the early 1800’s?
  4. Forearm hier empty compliments such spil, “Hey, doll. I love your footwear.” or “I bet if you raced against an apple pie, you would win for being the sweetest.”
  5. Wink at hier, whistle at hier, or attempt to walk cool like guys do who are “on the prowl” today ter 2012. What part of “lady” do you not understand?
  6. Be dishonest with this southern belle. The absolute worst thing you can do is let hier catch you te a lie. Then it will be a sure-fire, blue ribbon-winning, “Goodbye, chump,” and no hope of you getting a 2nd chance with hier.

If you are blessed to get to talk to this southern belle, DO NOT

  1. Talk spil noisy spil a Marine drill instructor such spil the one te “Utter Metal Jacket.” She can hear you. And hier voice is soft and very silky. Attempt to talk to hier the way she talks to you. Civil.
  2. Tell hier vulgar, barroom jokes that only guys can appreciate. Contrary to social belief and writings on boys’s slagroom walls, southern belles DO EXIST te 2012 and can be dated IF guys like you can learn how to respect them spil the ladies that they are.
  3. Disrespect hier parents when you are introduced. None of this “Hey, daddio,” or “Hello, moeder,” stuff or you will be sent packing. Before you have a chance to sit down.
  4. Disrespect hier pet cat or dog. A pet is vitally-important to a southern belle. So showcase hier pet all the respect possible. You will thank mij zometeen.
  5. Predominate the conversation with things just about “YOU.” Ask hier questions. Voorstelling hier that you are interested te hier. Ask hier parents about their lives. Recall, the world does not revolve around you. And it never hurts to permit someone else to have the zoeklicht.
  6. Leave behind that you are to use manners. Let hier go ter pui of you and that goes for hier mother. Open the wegens for hier. Yes, this is “old hat” for you, but man, will she everzwijn appreciate your gallantry.

If you do get a date with a southern belle, DO NOT

  1. Display up ter puckered clothes. No southern belle, or any dame I know, appreciates a first-date with a man te a puckered suit. This says to hier that you do not care about how you look te public.
  2. Wear boots without socks. This is a hefty social blunder. And you will be sending a signal to hier and hier parents that you merienda supported the “flower children,” “free love,” and an open drug usage society. Bad mistake wearing boots and no socks.
  3. Voorstelling up with crumbs or stains from your last meal still on your T-shirt. There is this neat invention that you can use to inspect your appearance. You might have heard of it. A mirror. Use it before you leave to meet hier.
  4. Have “onion breath,” or even worse, breath that smells like “feet.” If you want a sure turn-off with your southern belle and all of a sudden have hier say, “my starlets, what a massive headache I have. I want to postpone our date, please,” then do not use mouth wash. And that headache statement truly means she doesn’t want to see you or that breath again.
  5. Bring your good mate, “Ridderzaal,” with you on your very first, or any date with this southern belle. It’s not hier problem that “Salon,” is spil homely spil a Bluetick hound and cannot pay a lady to date him, so leave “Vishal,” at huis with his mom.
  6. Smoke cigarettes, chew tobacco or even have smokeless tobacco te your mouth or car when you pick hier up. FACT: southern belles ter their origins, may have lived around tobacco patches, but they do not date them.

When dining with a southern belle, DO NOT

  1. Be selfish or self-absorbed and say something truly ignorant like, “hey, would you give mij the pepper very first. My steak costs more than your salad.” What kleintje of animal are you anyway? You are on a date with a true lady. Treat hier like one. Is that too hard for you to do?
  2. Talk with your mouth utter. What are you, a mule?
  3. Disregard what she is telling to you. String up on hier every word. No matter if there is an ex-playboy bunny sitting at the next table. You are a privileged man to be dating a southern belle. Can you at least attempt to recall that?
  4. Be dissipated with the football spel that is on the television overheen the drankbuffet te the restaurant. Who cares if you have $500.00 railing on this spel? She doesn’t. And you shouldn’t take the Seattle Seahawks and the 7 points against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
  5. Permit your southern belle to rise from the table without you very first getting up to help hier with hier chair. FACT: southern belles love this.
  6. Overly-compliment or be overly-sweet to your southern belle. She and hier mother, grandmother and good, fine grandmother were all about modesty and moderation. Learn the meaning of both words. And use them.

And eventually, I leave you with thesis last-minute tips . . .

When driving your southern belle huis, DO NOT

  1. Assume that she will invite you te for a night cap. It is hier choice. And do not use those lame excuses like, “May I use your bathroom?” for she is spil sly spil a fox. She can read you like a cheap newspaper. Be cool is all I ask.
  2. Go on and on about your job, ex-girlfriends, and how much you make ter sales commissions on unloading used luggage. She might want to tell you about hier life. Everzwijn think of that?
  3. Be pushy. Force yourself on hier. Southern belles, well, all chicks literally seethe with hatred at a boy acting like this.
  4. Abruptly want a drink of water to build up access to hier huis or apartment.
  5. Take the uur at hier vuurlijn ingevolge for granted that she wants you to smooch hier good night. Simply jiggle hier forearm. This respectful stir will make you a lotsbestemming of major points with hier. I promise.

Take it from mij, humor does go a long way with today’s southern belle. But te a clean, respectful way. Southern belles, after all, are ladies. Do not leave behind that.

. . .And make absolutely sure that your fly is not open at any time of the night.

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